Intimacy with God

I remember listening to a song that was sung for worship on a Sunday. I could never follow up with the leader and ask for its name or the singer and never ever did I ever hear that song ever again. But there was this line in that song that went like your love is more intimate than lovers. I never really understood what it meant.

I kept asking the people around me what it meant but none of the answers seemed satisfying enough. But soon enough a situation showed up that changed my outlook on God’s love.

Then I met this guy and happened to fall in love with him and everything he did. The way he smiled , the way he flipped his hair,loved how he cared so much for me and his friends, ( Loved that he was a reformed bad boy). But I hadn’t told anybody that I liked him. Both of us had the same set of friends and we had this amazing dynamic friendship between the gang members and someone developing feelings for someone would just spoil the friendship . (note: I am an over-thinker). But a month later he and this other girl started going out and that hurt me. But taking it to the Lord in prayer comforted me and helped me move on.

Exactly a year after that everything took a detour. The amazing dynamic friendship as mentioned above didn’t last for long. Friends turned into lovers, some left, some were heartbroken and some just plain confused. Basically everyone distanced themselves from each other physically and emotionally. No one knew what was happening in each other’s lives in detail, it seemed better to just stay clear of all the drama.

And it was around this time his feelings towards me changed. I wasn’t aware about this or his status of his relationship . He kept telling me that it was over and it didn’t turn out to be the way he wanted or expected. And I took his word for it . We got close. And one day out of the blue, he said he loved me . He said that he had always loved me. He loved my voice, my smile. He showered me with fancy words . He called me beautiful. Never had a boy ever said that to me and I was obviously flattered by his words. Slowly my old buried feelings were dug out and into the surface and I started liking him too. And I remember the moment I said me too & as response for his’I love you’, the world stopped around me and the air got still . It was 2.30 am in the morning. I couldn’t sleep. I felt like I was in a total different world. Cloud nine? I was in love. My schedules were turned around according to how convenient it would be for him. I could be myself with no filter and He was still find me beautiful and worth it. For someone who couldn’t bear to look at herself in the mirror because she felt disgusted by the sight, this feeling was refreshing . I felt loved.

But none of it lasted. Our relationship took an ugly turn and everything went down the drain within a very short period of time. It was as if my world crumbled down. Then it began, couldn’t focus on studies or anything, couldn’t eat or sleep. Every time I pictured him, I saw him in the light of that ugly truth that broke us apart and it used constantly kept me up . The heart ache was the weirdest thing ever. Literally felt my chest hurt. The pain weighed me down, doing routine activities took more effort than normal . Nothing and no one was able to make me feel better.

Finally turned to the one last resort only because I had clearly replenished all my other encouragement based resources . I had nothing left in me to keep me going either. So I thought I’d worship God and just started with a song. God took me from there and asked me to kneel and pray. I had asked God why this happened to me because it was highly unnecessary because at the end of the day everyone got what they wanted . Everyone around me was happy and my addition to this was just unclear. Why did this show up right now amidst everything? Why does this breakup thing hurt so much? Why does it hurt to love someone?

And then I heard this sweet voice , the voice that stilled my thoughts and doubts. And it said with authority “Do you now realize what that song means? Some boy told you that he loves you and you felt like a dream. I have been constantly telling you that I love you . Why don’t you feel the same way about me? I love you my child and you will always be in my heart . Zephaniah 3:17 says ‘The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing’ And that was enough.

We hear stories about how God cured cancer, gave sight to the blind ,made the deaf hear etc . But He healed me from a broken heart. He satisfied me and made me whole . He said he loved me and I need nothing more. The love that comes when you are intimate with God is hundred folds more than that from a relationship. He thinks about you all the time. Makes time for you and does things and alters the environment favoring you. He calls you his beloved. He plans your future (Jeremiah 29:11). He finds you beautiful, sees all the flaws but His love is so pure, big and outpouring that your flaws are washed away and not seen (Psalms 139:14). He is faithful and will never leave you (Jeremiah 31.3). He listens to you (Jeremiah 33.3) , He stills you, You are safe and secure in His hands, you are engraved in His palms (Isaiah 49:16). The one who paints the morning skies for you, the one who fills you with joy, the one who is close to the broken and crushed in spirit. He is your creator and also the one who died for you.

What love is greater than this?

( ps. the song’s name is – what a friend I’ve found by delirious)